Treat your relationship as a new experience!

Treat your relationship as a new experience – regardless of whether you’ve had little or lots of past experience!

Whether you are new to sex or not, it’s a great idea to treat a new relationship as one in which you need to discover everything for yourself – as if everything about being in a relationship was new for you.
Remember with your first experience of love, how each day brought awareness of a different facet of the one you loved. How you wanted to learn more about them and what made them tick. How you wanted to talk for hours, finding out about their past, their family life and friendships, their dreams and fantasies, and what they did and didn’t like.
You may not have had a relationship before or you may have had many. But even though you may have experienced love before – you haven’t loved this person before. This person is unknown and their sexuality undiscovered.
The ideas you have about sex are usually based on your own experiences and whatever friends have told you of theirs. Your attitudes and expectations are heavily influenced by media – much of which is shallow and unsophisticated, and doesn’t take into account the complex emotions we all have around sex and relationships.
Sex is often depicted as either a supremely romantic experience in which everything is in soft focus and sex magically works out all right – or as being about something you try to grab wherever it presents itself. As if it’s about taking your own pleasure where you can without too much consideration for the emotions and responses of your partner. They are supposed to be into sex, responding to whatever you do. What you do is often based on what you think you should be doing, or what you imagine everyone else is doing when it comes to sex, rather than on trying to find out what this person likes, and how they would like to be intimate with you.
Intimacy is a quality that needs communication to achieve – it’s a process of getting closer to someone as you get to know more about them and you become more interested and engaged in each others lives.

In order to be sexual you need to be able to talk.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your new partner, it’s probably too early to be having sex. You want to be able to say if something doesn’t feel right for you. You want to be able to communicate what you like as well as what you don’t like. You need to feel comfortable about setting your limits. About saying you’re not happy with the direction sex is going in. Comfortable enough to say what you’d like to be doing instead – 0r whether it’s something else physical, or whether you want to back off and spend more time getting to know each other first. Just because you’ve started being sexual, doesn’t mean you have to carry on….
Have you thought about talking about sex and what your expectations are before you go on to be sexual. That can be a good idea whether you are interested in checking out what the other persons attitude is, or even if you’re dying to get on and be sexual. Talking first can increase your intimacy and lead to a better quality of being sexual.
it might be good to talk about what being sexual involves. For some people sex just means intercourse, and they aren’t particularly interested in being sensual, or exploring your body. Some people prefer being stroked, cuddled and the whole tactile experience of being naked to intercourse. This is absolutely fine – it’s up to you to determine the style of sexual contact you want.
However, it can be good to discuss these sorts of issues beforehand so you both know whether your expectations are in sync.

Treat sex as a broad canvas, rather than just about intercourse.

Many people recall petting with fondness – which was all about touching, stroking and exploring the other’s body both clothed and unclothed. It usually involved a lot of kissing, on the mouth and all over the body.
Rather than rush for intercourse it can be great to spend several sessions snogging and rolling around together, stroking and caressing different parts of your lover’s body.
A great game is one I call ‘Yes, no, maybe.’ One person concentrates on exploring and caressing the other person’s body for a fixed period of time – say 15 or 20 minutes. The person receiving that tactile pleasure concentrates on giving feedback…yes, if they like it, no if they don’t and maybe if they’re not sure. Maybe is often an invitation to try out different variations of that touch – lighter, firmer, slower, faster.
The way your partner says yes can give you plenty of information about how much they like it.

This is a good game to start communicating about how you like to be touched, and what you don’t like….

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